Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
How to write an ebonics hit in two easy steps
Step 1. Choose a completely ridiculous hoodrat slang word.
Step 2. Spend the entire song simply defining said word.
Voila. You’ve got yourself a hit:
Seriously, those guys just brought in a paycheck for that.
-Sam
Shaquille O’Neal has reached that point in his career where he’s basically an itinerant big man for hire, playing for four different teams in the last four seasons.
His most recent team will be the Boston Celtics.
And Shaq will find a partner in crime on his new squad in Glen “Big Baby” Davis, a guy cut from the same buffoonish cloth as the “Shaprechaun” himself (hey, it’s no “Shaqtus” but I couldn’t think of anything better).
It’ll be quite entertaining to see what kind of antics these two get into together, but for starters I wouldn’t mind seeing Big Baby introduce his dance instructor skills to the Big Diesel:
First of all, can anyone explain to me what the fuck a “dougie” is? And once you’ve done that, please kindly fill me in on how this “dance” deserves its own name and song. Isn’t it just swaying from side to side and occasionally making some really effeminate hand gestures? I can tell you one thing, it’s no Chicken Noodle Soup. Hell, it’s not even Strut That Ass.
-Sam
BaROCK Obama
-Sam
It’s August. Football is in the air. Players are sweating through training camps across the NFL. And Brett Favre continues to play his annual six years in the making will-he-or-won’t-he-retire routine.
I can’t put this any more bluntly – if you are still a fan of Brett Favre after all of his charades, then you are a either a moonshine-swilling hillbilly from eastjabumfuck who gets off by repeating the phrase “he’s just having fun out there” while sitting in your Wrangler jeans or you’re just a retard.
Honestly, he is one of the most selfish players I’ve ever seen play in the NFL, throwing away critical game after critical game because he just can’t help himself from lobbing a wounded duck off his back foot in the face of heavy pressure. But hey, “he’s just having fun like a kid out there” right?
Well now there’s even more potentially terrific news for Favre-haters everywhere. A New York Jets sideline reporter claims that Favre sent her pictures of his dick over the phone, multiple times (by the way, what is with NFL players and snapping shots of their junk? These links are absolutely NSFW, but you’ve got Santurdio Holmes, Dinkie Boy Chris Cooley, Jeff Reed, and Sean Salisbury). Not only that, but to add to the embarrassment, she claims that in one of the pictures, he’s playing with lil’ Brett. . .while wearing Crocs. To make matters worse, the Jets girl looks pretty darn similar to Brett’s wife, Deanna. He must have been really lonely in New York.
Anyway, this is all to preface the fact that an amazing song called “See My Dong” has surfaced on the web detailing Brett’s little foray into cellphone tomfoolery set to the tune of Lionel Richie’s “All Night Long.” So good.
-Sam
Let me start this post with a story that has nothing to do with music.
One of the local sports radio talk show announcers where I live used to be a police chief, and he sometimes fills some time during the morning show by telling stories from his time on the beat (hey, you can’t talk about how crappy the Orioles are forever.) Just recently, he was talking about how he was patrolling the city one night when he came across a parked car and in the car he could see three young men and a head bobbing up and down in one of their laps. Well, I’m sure you can guess what was happening. Needless to say, he interrupted the proceedings and made everyone get out of the car. Now this chief recognized the prostitute, and he told her “Come on, just show them.” The kids had no idea what he was talking about. The chief insisted, so the prostitute pulled down her pants to reveal…well, a johnson. Two of the three kids looked absolutely horrified, but the chief couldn’t understand why the third kid was smiling uncontrollably. “What are you so happy about?” he asked. The kid replied, “I’m the only one who hadn’t gone yet.”
That’s all to preface the notion that the following song may very well have been made by that tranny:
-Sam
Katy Perry’s ubiquitous summer mega-hit “California Gurls” has naturally led to many attempts at parody by the girls of this great nation’s other 49 states. It was inevitable, really. Of course, pretty much all of these parodies are sucktastic. Go ahead, go on YouTube and search for “[Insert your state name here] Gurls” and you’ll probably get some hits. I mean, for fuck’s sake, I found one for Wyoming. I’ve literally never met someone who is from Wyoming. I’ve never even met someone who’s been to Wyoming. Even the girl in that video is so ashamed that that’s where she’s from that she put on a video filter before taping.
If you want to make a compelling parody/cover, you’ve got to commit to it, ladies! Otherwise it’s just embarassing.
But the guys in Pennsylvania get it. In fact, they had me at “Pennsyltucky.”
-Sam
Sometimes a Tweet is all you need to really sum up a situation.
This comes from Kings of Leon drummer Nathan Followill, in reference to the band’s recent show in St. Louis:
“So sorry St. Louis. We had to bail, pigeons shitting in [bassist] Jared [Followill]’s mouth. Too unsanitary to continue….Don’t take it out on Jared, it’s the fucking venue’s fault. You may enjoy being shit on but we don’t. Sorry for all who traveled many miles.”
That really sucks for both the band and the fans. It’s too bad there weren’t any umbrella hats on hand that the guys could have strapped on to protect them from the fecal showers. I wonder if, in the future, the venue will consider doing what the Cincinnati Bengals considered when they had a similar problem a few years back.
-Sam
Gather round ninjas!
It’s that time of year again. I’m talking, of course, about the annual Gathering Of The Juggalos, now in its 11th year, which is both mindblowing and deeply depressing.
If you are unfamiliar with the Gathering, then you should consider yourself lucky (although, granted, it is a tremendous source of derisive laughter at the expense of morons).
You can watch the infomercial for this year’s event below, but here are just a few of the acts you can see if you decide to slap on some clown paint and head into the fields and forests of Illinois to contemplate the miracles of magnets (how do they work?) and the joys of a Faygo shower: Naughty by Nature, Gallagher (and don’t worry, it’s “not that fake ass Gilligan motherfucker either”), Ron Jeremy (he’ll be “telling jokes about slangin’ dick”), Warren G, Tila Tequila, Afroman, Coolio, Tone Loc, Vanilla Ice, and Method Man and Redman (honestly, guys?).
And speaking of Coolio, here’s what happened the last time he toured with ICP.
But the Gathering is never about just the “music.” Oh no, this year you’ve got midget wrestling, a bubble-foam party with naked chicks, regular non-midget wrestling featuring Viscera (what, couldn’t get Mideon?) and the Road Dogg among others, as well as flashlight wrestling where the only lights are from the flashlights that the crowd brings at 4 am (”and some of these legends are drunk as hell.”)
This year’s infomercial definitely isn’t as good as last year’s (or SNL’s awesome parody of it and ICP), but it will still make you laugh and feel better about yourself as a human being. And the announcer sums it up best I think, calling it “the greatest time you motherfucker (yes, singular) will ever have. I put that on my nuts, bitch.”
-Sam
Pure puppet gold
Whoever synced up this video and song deserves a big hug.
(And is it just me, or does anyone else not remember Ernie looking that tanned? I mean look at him at the 14 second mark! That must have had something to do with the storyline. Like skin cancer awareness day or something.)
-Sam
How to write a pop hit
My brother showed me this video, and it’s so good that I have to share it with all of you.
It comes from the musical comedy group The Axis of Awesome. They are essentially the Australian version of Flight of the Conchords (and for those of you who thought the Conchords were from Australia themselves, they aren’t. They’re from New Zealand.)
Anyway, the song they are playing is called “4 Chords,” and it’s basically showing how many pop hits follow the same chord progression. According to Wikipedia, the four chords “are written I – V – vi – IV. The band plays the song in the key of E so the progression they use is E-B-C#m-A.”
So there you have it. You too can write a pop sensation by following those simple steps. Would a little more variety on the radio be a good thing? Absolutely. But even I can’t deny that a lot of those songs are damn good pop tunes. Then again, if I listened to pop all the time, it would probably start to drive me crazy. The guys also have a studio version of the song posted at their MySpace page which includes a slightly different mix of songs.
-Sam